Kick. Have You Got Yours Yet?

Disclaimer: The following written content does not intend to indulge in blasphemy, hurt the sentiments or challenge the beliefs of any individual or any unified faction of the society. Incase of failing to do so, my sincere apologies to one and all (Except, Salman Khan Fans).

For centuries galore, believers in Christianity and other religions have imparted knowledge to their children through the folklore about the existence of a certain legendary ‘fictional’ character christened Santa Claus. It is believed that Saint Nicholas A.K.A Santa Claus appears on Christmas Eve (24^th December) every year and brings gifts to the Children. He is commonly portrayed riding a sleigh carried by Reindeers and often seen saying ‘Ho Ho Ho’. I am sure that, centuries later Indian grandparents and parents will narrate to their kids, the story of how every year, the auspicious time of Eid (The festival celebrated by the followers of Islam) would be graced by the presence of a not-so-fictional character called Salman Khan. About how his ‘worshipers’ would mark their calendars way in advance and would have sleepless nights waiting for his arrival. His arrival would lead to the outcry of whistles, hoots and shouts of Bhai Bhai. He would often be seen driving around in a speeding, out of control SUV and would run over some bricks and mortar and sometimes even flesh and blood (But lets leave that aside for now). 

25^th July 2014, Friday. For many, this meant nothing more than just a day and date; but for the community of the #Bhaiturds (Yes, social media language has been a useful aide to put things into the right perspective) the importance of this date was at par with the invention of the wheel, fire, electricity, telephone and so on and so forth. The reason being that this year’s most awaited and most talked about film ‘Kick’, crashed into the theatres (Not crashed, as in the way Salman crashed into… Never mind!!)

Let me start by being out and out straightforward. ‘Kick’ was the WORST film I have seen this year and perhaps the worst Salman Khan film I have ever seen (Out of the exact 7 films of his that I have seen). I know a majority of the audience and film critics of whom I hold in high regard, have argued and used a perfect defense mechanism to state that “Well, You know, it’s A Salman Khan film, it doesn’t need a review”. Well, sorry to shatter your castle of glass but IT DOES. Every time I see a Salman Khan film I cant help but draw a close comparison between a zookeeper and an animal inside the cage. Where, as soon as the bonded creature spots its assigned zookeeper approaching, it starts displaying excitement and starts building hopes for a desired treat, very well aware that it actually has no choice. Whatever is flung at the animal is consumed out of compulsion to kill one’s hunger but something seems amiss and that is ‘Satisfaction’. 

Hailing from a school-of-thought of filmmaking, where I like to question every turn of events and love to dig out the hidden logic behind every motif, I was ‘Kick’ed very hard on my backside. Ace producer-turned-director Sajid Nadiadwala chose to remake the 2009 South-Indian film ‘Kick’ as his debut venture (Yeah, Like that’s New!!). With an ensemble of screenplay writers including veterans like Rajat Arora (of ‘Once Upon A Time In Mumbaai’ fame), Chetan Bhagat (of ‘Introduced Indians to reading beyond Tinkle comics’ fame) and the director Sajid Nadiadwala himself, one would expect some genuinely good story telling with no space left for challenging or questioning the happenings on screen. Throughout the film, I was thoroughly agitated at the script and screenplay, every second calling me an Idiot and blatantly laughing at my thinking abilities. The worst part is that the filmmakers have thoroughly disrespected the audience for whatever it may be. The film fails to answer infinite questions and seems logically challenged.

Salman khan (Devi Lal Singh or Devil) is himself as in all his films and just cannot stop mouthing the word ‘Kick’, like a school child’s elocution competition where the child keeps repeating the topic of his speech time and again to remind everyone what he/she is talking about. The film stars Jacqueline Fernandez as Dr. Shayna who plays Devi Lal Singh’s love interest and Shrink as well. Jacqueline Fernandez serves as a perfect eye candy and anything beyond that seems like a herculean task to her. Psychiatrist Dr. Shayna treats Devi Lal Singh who suffers from a certain kind of Amnesia. I just wish I found myself a similar doctor, who apart from the good looks would allow me to consume gallons of alcohol when I am slightly twisted in the head, and would get high and dance with me in an underground subway. (Oh My god… It’s SO larger than life!! Isn’t this what Salman Khan films stand for??!!) The film stars Randeep Hooda as top-cop Himanshu Tyagi and along from his masculine good looks, does pretty decent justice to his role.

The film seems like a misfit jigsaw puzzle where the most clichéd pieces from Hindi cinema are put together to put up a picture. With direct references to scenes from the Dhoom trilogy and a slight hint of Jab Tak Hai Jaan (Incidentally, the prior films star Abhishek Bachchan and the latter stars Shah Rukh Khan, Just saying) ‘Kick’ by the end of it seems like nothing but a three hour PSA (Public service announcement) for ‘Being Human’. Just that Salman Khan contributes to charity without wearing or selling tacky and gaudy tee-shirts, and does his GOOD DEEDS for the SOCIETY by carrying out ‘Hollywood style’ heists and stealing money from the corrupt to distribute it to the needy and ailing children in an NGO, just like the tales of Robin Hood. (But Salman hasn’t done a Robin Hood before this, has he??!!)

The music for the film is composed by Himesh Reshammiya, and as A guest composer for a song we have Yo Yo Honey Singh. Let’s move on. 

The only saving grace for the film is the scale, cinematography, the action sequences and a few handpicked punch lines by Rajat Arora. With marvelous locations in Poland and two very well orchestrated chase sequences (One in Poland and one in Delhi) ‘Kick’ manages to simply look good. And last but not the least, ‘Kick’ also stars one of the finest actors in our industry today Mr. Nawazuddin Siddiqui, who manages to charm you with his devious demeanor for the 10 exact minutes of screen time he managed to secure in the film. Though it’s not difficult to understand why does the best element in the film appear and disappear in a jiffy, with exactly 2 minutes of sharing screen space with Salman Khan. Even Bhai cannot handle the complex of performing with an actor who performs well than him manifold.

‘Kick’ fails to deliver what it promised in the visual promotions and the negative hangover of which is still lingering around like the smell of stale Onion. The film ends with a dialogue that I am going to liberty and tamper around with to sum up all that I have written above:

“Dimaag mein jaata hoon, dil mein nahi”

Amit Sahni Ki List… Does It Feature On Yours?

Before I start, I would like to congratulate all those who have had a divine revelation about the existence of a certain film called ‘Amit Sahni Ki List’. Yes, there is actually a film by this name and it did hit the theatres yesterday (i.e. Friday – 18.07.14). However, if Bollywoodhungama.com and the article ‘List of Bollywood films of 2014’ on Wikipedia are not frequently found in your browser history, you wont be blamed for this ignorance. Produced By ‘Pyxis Pictures’ and directed by ‘Ajay Bhuyan’, Amit Sahni Ki List implemented the low-key strategy of marketing and featured on minimalistic slots in the print and broadcast media. To top it all, the buzz for the film on the Internet was also almost negligible, As opposed to the boisterous and in-your-face marketing strategies being implemented by studios and feature film production houses for quite sometime. What made the makers and marketing officials of the film take this decision is unknown to me.

The film revolves around the life of an investment banker, bachelor Mr.Amit Sahni (Virr Das) and his ‘LIST’. Now what is this ‘Amit Sahni Ki List’? The list includes all the factors that Amit Sahni is looking for in his soul mate. The film is a documentation of his journey in the quest to find THE perfect girl, and if failing to fulfill one criterion on the list the poor and sometimes not-so-poor babe is rejected. (Gives me the feeling of a Government office, Where if I take my Passport or Pan Card and fail to showcase my electricity bill, am sent back home, after the man/woman across the counter will make me feel so dejected and low about myself.) Thank goodness this concept did not dawn upon Mr. Steven Spielberg (The one Hollywood film maker everyone knows, for whatever reasons best known to themselves) or else we would have the next Harrison Ford starrer ‘Indiana Jones and the quest for the perfect girl’ with the list written on parchment paper and to be found under one of the pyramids of Giza.

In keeping with the spirit of the film, I decided to go unconventional this time. With almost 18 years of cinema viewing experience at hand, I have been able to come up with a list of all the elements that I expect to find in a film that I watch. 

So here it is, Meri Waali List:

1. Great production design
2. Huge production value
3. Artist’s performances
4. Good music and perfect usage of the same to enhance the film
5. Technically sound
6. No room for questioning and challenging the turn of events
7. Good dialogues with effective punch lines
8. True to it’s genre

And Last, not the least and infact the most important of them all 

9. The script, story and screenplay

Well, Lets start off with the elements from the film that lived up to my expectations and that I could tick off my list. 

Hands down, the film looks marvelous. With production design and production value topping my list, this film was a visual treat for me. The sets, costumes, locations and everything else one could you ask for has made it’s mark like any other bigwig in the league. The film is very well shot and is almost perfectly put together at the editing table. Apart from a few dubbing mishaps, here and there (Which can very well be forgiven) Amit Sahni Ki List almost technically flawless. 

The film showcases some great performances by the artists like the Vega Tamotia as Mala and the Indian-British actor, Kavi Shastri (NO… Not the cricketer, that’s Ravi Shastri) as Amit Sahni’s bum chum. Even Natasha Rastogi as his wannabe cool mother puts you in the right perspective. Now, What about Mr.Virr Das?

I have heard about a particular practice in the rural parts of India, where the concept of written letters still thrives and where illiteracy is still a major problem at hand, postmen carry letters to the receiver and read to them the message or piece of communication from the sender. The postmen read out all sorts of information to the receiver with emotions as though they are the sender’s voice. God graced himself upon the receivers and perhaps even Mr.Das, who perhaps would have read out the auspicious news of a beautiful child’s birth and the sad news of an ailing person’s demise with the same expression and in the same tone. Amit Sahni himself fails in the film, with one monotonous tone of dialogue delivery and expressionless poker face by the end of the 2:30 hours, Virr Das simply gets to you. He fails to communicate the filmmakers’ intentions behind the story, to the audience effectively.

The music of the film is, well… this is embarrassing, but I don’t remember a single track except one called ‘What the fark’, which is effectively made to sound like the F-word (But that’s also only why I remember this track).

If you are expecting a 2:30 hour laughter riot where you expect yourself to be in splits and TIYSL (Twisting in your seat laughing) you’re going to be highly disappointed. With the humor making its impact only in bits and pieces, the film finds its heart in Kavi Shastri (The friend) and Natasha Rastogi (The mother) who enable you to spread those lips from a semi-should I smile/should I not dilemma to an actually laugh.

 However, One should really watch the film for its maker’s attempt at storytelling, which somewhere down the line we have forgotten is one of the salient features of filming. A simple and sweet concept weaved into a smart yet simplistic story and presented to the audience. Although, the script is extremely monotonous, clichéd with it’s concepts and leaves a void unfulfilled after the film, it’s a genuine attempt from the heart, by the director and producers, and that is commendable.

If you are interested in being treated to some old school ‘storytelling’, Amit Sahni Ki List is YOUR thing and will be worth your time. However, if you are hungry for something big, more happening and a fast paced audio-visual experience that gives you a kick, I think we all know what you are eagerly waiting for.