Happy New Year – Nothing Really ‘Happy’ About It.

Hello Mr. Khan,

Firstly, Wish you many happy returns of the day. I wish I were writing to you, only to give you warm birthday wishes. However, I am writing to you expressing my views regarding your latest release Happy New Year. Yes, I know this is surprising coming from me, but I did not see your film on the first day (I believe this has happened after 5 years) and I wasn’t one of the contributors to the 156 or so Crores your film has churned out in the first week of it’s release. It’s a harsh fact Mr. Khan, but I think you’ll have to get used to this conduct of mine soon.

Well, let me start by being absolutely straightforward, I did not like the film. Yes, I agree it was superior and logically far more relevant as compared to a lot of the other so-called ‘entertainers’ and other public holiday releases throughout the year, but does that make your film a ‘good film’? No! Certainly not Mr. Khan. I believe I have the right  to articulate to you on your film, as you are not only the male protagonist of the film but also the producer, by the virtue of which you have complete right and command over the content of your film.

Let me save the criticism for later, because there’s quite a bit. I’ll quickly tell you what I liked about the film, because there isn’t enough of it. I liked the production value, the half decent background music, technical prowess here and there, your physique (Which I take your word for, and believe that it is naturally built, as opposed to your rivals who make use of technology to get their perfectly sculpted body) I was scared that your look in the first half would regress me back to a star-struck fan boy, however the maturity of the look and those of the actions suffered certain compatibility issues and thus did not strike the right chord for me. And your director Farah Khan’s trademark end credits where all the technicians and crew working on the film, get their few moments of glory by appearing on the BIG SCREEN. That was it!! Let me do it your style, just for fun sake.

“Achchai toh ho gayi mere dost, bahot saari burai baaki hai”.

That reminds me Mr. Khan, I wish to know the reason behind you relying on the content of your previous work time and again to elicit a warm audience response. Is it the insecurity of fresh content that makes you want to revisit your previous dialogues and repeated punch lines to garner a positive approval from your viewer? You have done this previously and have done it yet again. I don’t even wish to go near your product placements in the film; it just amused me to see that each and every character owns the same model of the mobile phone of the same company (In different colors, thankfully). In economic terms, Nokia attains a perfect monopoly in your film.

I have certain complaints against your film and it’s director Farah Khan,

1. She is Sajid Khan’s sister

2. She is Shirish Kunder’s wife

Well, the above of two have nothing to do with the film but they are of grave national importance and need to feature in this list.

3. The direction fails at multiple levels. Every character seems to have TWO characteristics, the occurrence or display of which is highly a matter of convenience to compliment the story at that moment. Also I am curious to know how the costumes in each song change with each changing frame. Hadn’t seen this phenomenon in a film for a very long time, brings back the memories I had of the films, when I was a kid.

4. There are jokes and dialogues constantly repeated throughout the film.

5. The level of spoon-feeding throughout the film is appalling. I believe the film could have been simply cut down to half it’s running time, had you not wasted time explaining what’s going to happen next and then show it happening.

6. This may not be a directorial flaw, but is a trait recently associated with most of your films Mr. Khan. Where stereotypically a community, or a nationality is humiliated under the pretext of comic relief. It was the South Indians in One, similarly with Chennai Express and now the Parsis, Homosexuals and South-East Asians with Happy New Year.

7. Another similar flaw coming from you Mr. Khan was terribly shocking. You, Mr. Khan, Someone who strongly adheres to morals and vouches for women’s respect and safety, have a scene in your film where you verbally degrade a women and then under the pretense of apologizing to her in a language unknown to her, degrade her further more with your lust-oriented choice of words. That was thoroughly disappointing. 

8. And your film crosses the limits, where I believe in one scene Mr. Jakie Shroff says that India is habitual for sending losers all across the world, be it the Olympics or the Oscars. Be it in whatever context Mr. Khan, Lets be frank about Indians having proved their mettle at the Olympics and the films being chosen for the Oscars (The likes of Lagaan, Harishchandrachi Factory and The Good Road to name a few) may have lost to other better films, but are certainly not losers in their own right. Infact, I believe your film Paheli failed to get selected for the Oscars. I hope this is not a case of sour grapes Mr. Khan.

9. The music for the film is absolute trash, with not a single song standing out and every song having traces of previously heard tracks from other films. It’s not like Vishal and Shekhar to compose lower rank music for a film, but I guess we all know what Vishal was upto, and hence the product had to suffer.

The film also features certain friendly and ‘emotional’ appearances. Some of which are terribly shocking and shameful. The film also marks the debut of your son Ab.RAM (To be mouthed like Ra.ONE, I guess) and Farah Khan’s triplets (Let’s call them Om, Shanti, Om for now). So, I believe there’s going to be tough competition for the ‘Best Debut Award’ this year. But I am sure Mr. Second richest father/actor in the world can get his son the award, while he picks up a handful for himself. But I am glad Mr. Khan that the film has earned enough, for you and Farah Khan to now be able to hire a new nanny for the kids, so that they can stay home and you don’t have to drag them in your professional space. And please while you’re at it, Could you ask Mr. Amitabh Bachchan to get a nanny for his son too, so that he too need not leave the house. (Though most of the laughs generated from the film came from Abhishek Bachchan, so I give him that.)

I know what you are thinking Mr. Khan. Is it really ME, who’s writing this letter to you? Yes, I assure you Mr. Khan that it is indeed ME. A once upon a time die-hard fan, which would fathom anything you did on screen and admired you from the bottom of my heart. However, I realized that I moved on Mr. Khan and you failed to. The situation takes me your famous song from Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham. The lyrics of which go like Main thehra raha zameen chalne lagi. You have refused to move on where you were 10 years ago, Mr. Khan. It immensely hurts me as your die-hard fan that a man of your stature, intelligence, knowledge and a broad vision the world fails to apply all that you have to your work and offer the audience something more organic and from your heart. Try and give the audience a chance, rather than time and again challenging their IQ levels by offering them lower intelligence material. Stop making immature films on the pretext of entertainment.

I think I have spoilt your birthday enough Mr. Khan. I apologize for that, but I leave you on a high note and an advice. I will never give up on you as your true fan, even though you are hell bent of letting me down time and again for the last few years. You complete 50 years today, so I borrow a dialogue from your film and say Kismat Badi Kutti Cheez Hoti, Kabhi Bhi Palat Sakti Hai. Tread very carefully Mr. Khan, and I hope you make a few correct choices and take the right decisions in the future. Wish you a happy birthday and a happier forthcoming year. Good luck Mr. Khan.

 

Your true and caring fan forever,

I don’t wish to disclose my name or else there’s no scope of us working together.

Chennai Express – Ready, Steady… Derailed

Everything this festive season, right from the Gosht Saalan, to the succulent kebabs, to the Sheerkorma with infinite amounts of fresh dry fruits, to the pompous festive celebrations and crisp clothing seemed so fresh. However, in these times of celebration and fanfare ‘the most awaited’ ‘entertainer’ of the year seems to have fizzled out with its consistent staleness for three hours.

With advance booking galore and reportedly earning 25 Crore rupees on the very first day, ‘Chennai Express’ needs no reviews for people to go watch the film. Shah Rukh Khan Fans may have never even booked their tickets for an actual train journey in advance, as they have for the film. Even those who don’t have the best of the opinion about him (Or supposedly HATE him as they say and prefer to express their anguish against him as curtly as possible) might have wanted to see the film owing to Rohit Shetty’s history of making some of the most entertaining films in recent times. His action packed comic-capers have garnered him enough recognition to the extent of getting him aboard the ‘100 Crore wagon’.

Without being a snob or bore, I owe a lot to Rohit Shetty for making some of the moments in my life as entertaining as they could get with films like ‘Golmaal’ (The first in the series), ‘All the best’, ‘Singham’, ‘Bol Bachchan’. However, all said and done ‘Chennai Express’ fails to make me laugh or even entertain me beyond a few seconds in each sequence.

Chennai Express is not a film; it’s a three hour advertisement with infinite product placements ranging from ‘Nokia’ to ‘Pepsi’ and the most important ‘Commodity’ of all: Shah Rukh Khan. The film sells him to you in abundance quantity with repeated references to ‘DDLJ’, ‘My Name Is Khan’, ‘Dil Se…’ and many of his past films. This makes me inevitably balance a striking resemblance between Chennai Express and An ‘Epiphyte’ (A plant or an organism who grows and solely survives on the support of other plants and organisms).

With nothing fresh to offer, Chennai Express is the love story of a (Not so obedient) boy, a runaway girl, a cruel and unemotional father and a bad ass villain. Yeah! Yeah! It’s any other film from the 80s and 90s, with contemporary settings.  Most of the elements you expect in a Rohit Shetty film seem to be total let downs. With no puns or dialogues that stay with you, a lot of the comedy used seems repetitive throughout the film. If you’re expecting a garage full of cars flying and smashing in and around town, disrupting the regular lives of citizens you are in for a total bummer. It’s seems Rohit Shetty reached the season’s clearance sale at the garage/Junk yard a little late hence had to come back home with a few (100 odd) cars less.

I am no actor, but I do believe that an actor should be ageless and should be able to mould into his/her character with utmost perfection with no boundaries. However, an actor should play the character physically and keeping the mental maturity stable. In spite of repeated reference and emphatically stating that he is aged 40 in the film, Shah Rukh Khan portrays the maturity of a 20 year old. With excessive hamming and over the top performance he is himself from DDLJ, Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, Baadshah or any other film 15-20 years ago. Shah Rukh Khan simply refuses to grow up time and again (To the extent that his name is also ‘Rahul’). All these put offs supersede his fairly good efforts to maintain a decent comic timing in the film.

Rohit Shetty’s incapability to offer something new and fresh to the audience thoroughly irks me and what genuinely angers me in the fact that under the pretext of ‘Entertainment’ ample liberties are taken. The film definitely fails to conform to what it preaches (The most commonly used dialogue throughout the film states that “Do not underestimate the power of a common man!”) The entire film does nothing but underestimates and challenges the thinking capacity and intelligence of the common man in the audience. Throughout the film, I felt a sense of linguistic incompetence on not being able to comprehend 40% of the dialogues, which were in Tamil. After some time I reached a saturation point and switched off.

Chennai Express fails to be funny, but is nevertheless amusing, with (larger than life) idiocy like the 5 feet something Shah Rukh Khan beating up the 7 feet something antagonist who’s built seems nothing less than one of those ugly beasts on WWE. What also amuses me is Deepika padukone’s discovery of an invisible device to help you download and store new clothes and ornaments for every new day, when you are on the run and her discovery to bring back a nearly dead man from his sleep (Shout out his name thrice). It’s better to be oblivious to the music of the film (Say, perhaps the song ‘Titli’ can be an exception) as it fails worse than the film itself. And with a tribute to ‘Superstar’ Rajnikanth at the end (Which was totally out of the place and completely uncalled for, especially to a viewer like me who doesn’t think of Rajnikanth in high regard and for whom Rajnikanth doesn’t go beyond childish text messages) it’s just the pits.

The only highlights and saviours for the film are the song sequences by Rohit Shetty, mounted with sheer grandeur and beautiful locations supplementing the extravaganza of colours. Full marks to Rohit Shetty for portraying an almost unseen side of India and escaping the sunflower fields with ‘Soniya’, ‘Mahiya’ and breaking away from the Punjabization of Bollywood love stories. And last but definitely not the least, Deepika Padukone. India’s favourite party girl has broken the barriers and gone out of her own realms to perform better than anyone in the film and at the same has managed to look utmost beautiful and elegant than ever before. With her almost authentic Tamilian accent she manages to win hearts of not only her fans but other onlookers as well.

So, how many aboard the ‘Chennai Express’?